


Falling (Again)

by Castxelstark



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Declarations Of Love, Episode: s04e22 Lucifer Rising, Episode: s08e02 What's Up Tiger Mommy?, Episode: s08e17 Goodbye Stranger, Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Heavy Angst, I used a lot of dialogue from the show, Jack Kline (mentioned) - Freeform, Love Confessions, M/M, No Fluff, Not Beta Read, Sam Winchester (mentioned) - Freeform, Spoilers for Episode: s15e18 Despair, benny lafitte (mentioned) - Freeform, slightly at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28494363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castxelstark/pseuds/Castxelstark
Summary: “You don’t have to say it,” Castiel cuts him off, “I heard your prayer.”Dean hesitates, wanting to say it all anyway. However, Castiel seemed determined, almost pleading Dean to move on. Dean swallows thickly, the self-doubt of Castiel’s feelings rising quickly. He knows they don’t have time to waste, the phone in his pocket a reminder. Castiel begins to move towards the rift, his posture tense.Dean decides that when they get back to the bunker he’s going to tell Castiel. The next time he gets the chance he’s determined to confess to the angel.Or: 5 times Dean didn't say I love you, and the one time he did.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 40





	Falling (Again)

**Author's Note:**

> It's been sooo long since I've written anything. Anyway, new to writing in this fandom and I needed a way to process the finale of this show. Happy New Year I guess???

1.

He first feels it standing in Chuck’s disordered kitchen, heart pumping rapidly. He can’t pinpoint what it means; doesn’t have the time to. The apocalypse is in sight, Lucifer rising from hell just around the corner. He has to get to Sam, has to stop Ruby and Lilith, has to prevent the last seal from breaking. The list goes on, and yet the only thing he can focus on is Castiel’s words.

“Yeah well… we’re making it up as we go.” 

He thinks about the angel and the events of the past few weeks. Just moments ago, the two had stood in that god awful room, defying orders and escaping from Zachariah. He had begged Cas to fight for humanity, to fight for  _ them _ , and when it seemed like it was hopeless, Cas was there with a plan to rewrite everything. The angel had just risked everything and abandoned heaven for one person: for Dean. He wants to say something, anything, in response to Cas’ statement, but before he can open his mouth the floor is shaking, rattling the glass around them. Cas is in front of him once again, yelling over the static. He tells him he’ll stay behind, give him a head start on the other angels. He promises to protect Dean.

He opens his mouth to ask him how he plans on protecting  _ himself _ , when he finds himself standing in what he assumes is St. Mary’s convent. He knows he needs to find Sam immediately, but he can’t help but hope Cas finds his way out and back to them.

2.

“Where’s the angel?” 

The sweltering heat does nothing to deter Dean from the task at hand. Purgatory is an abyss filled with nothing but death and destruction. He can feel the sweat clinging to his body, the dirt layering on his skin. The blade molds perfectly into the palm of his hand. The only way Dean can describe it all is simply  _ pure _ . 

When asking questions gets him nothing but another killed monster, he finds himself praying once again. He can hear Benny’s disagreement in the silence between them. He knows they need to keep moving.

_ Cas, please. Just please be alive. _

There is no sound of wings, no ‘Hello, Dean’. Castiel isn’t answering his prayers. 

Dean loses track of time while they look for Cas. But finally, they get some information of value about where the angel could be. Finding Cas at that river feels like a breath of fresh air for Dean. The weight of kills, the grief, the blood- all of it, is lifted from his shoulders once his angel is in his sight. Holding him in his arms brings a wave of serenity that Dean can feel deep in his bones. He can’t fight the smile on his face or the small laughs that escape him as he explains to Castiel how they found him.

The smile fades as Castiel reveals he left on purpose. 

“I prayed to you, Cas, every night!” 

“I know.”

It’s not their first argument, and it certainly won’t be their last. But Dean can’t help the hurt flowing through him. All this time he had been looking for the angel who didn’t want to be found. Once again, all in an effort to protect the hunter.

“Cas, we’re getting out of here,” he states. There isn’t a hint of doubt in his voice, “We’re going home.”

“Dean, I can’t.” 

“You can.”  _ I need you to. _

He feels it in his gut again, the need to have Cas by his side. He thinks he’s beginning to place it, but refuses to label it. Labeling it makes it real and that’s not something he thinks he can handle right now. Not while either one of them could be killed in a matter of seconds. Instead he gives Castiel an ultimatum: they either both stay or they both leave. Castiel’s decision is almost instantaneous. 

-

Dean can’t hear himself think over all the noise. The wind is howling around them thanks to the rift. Add to that his own blood pumping in his ears from the adrenaline, he has to scream to hear himself. He can feel Benny moving around his arm, the pressure increasing every second. He has a hand clutching Castiel’s trench coat, making sure he’s close behind him. They’re going home, the both of them. Benny has been adamant about the limitations of the rift and Cas had simply agreed that it may not work. But it had to, Dean couldn’t let himself think about leaving Cas behind.

He steps as close as he can to the rift and reaches out for Cas. He can feel the pull of the rift, practically begging him to return to Earth. He fights as hard as he can. He’s not going anywhere without his angel.

“I got you, hold on!” He yells over the roars around them. They’re so close, they just need to hold on a few seconds longer.

Castiel’s grip is tight, but the pull of the rift is too much. Cas’ footing isn’t stable and Dean can’t fight the power any longer. He can feel the angel’s fingers slipping through his own.  _ No, no no no please _ , he thinks, looking at the fear on Cas’ face,  _ Please I can’t lose you again. I can’t lose another person I love.  _

“Dean!” Castiel screams as his hand comes loose. Dean can feel his mouth moving, but doesn’t hear the agony in his voice as he cries out Cas’ name. The last thing he sees is Castiel’s blue eyes holding nothing but grief and terror. 

3.

He’s thrown across the room like a rag doll for the third time now. Dean doesn’t understand how they got here. One moment Cas and him had been discussing the angel tablet, and the next an angel blade had been thrust in his direction. He should have known, nothing is ever easy for them. In a way he had known something was wrong, ever since Castiel returned from Purgatory. There was simply something  _ off _ about the angel. 

He watches as the angel continues to pace, teetering back and forth from moving closer and farther away from Dean. It seems as though his body wishes to advance towards him, while his mind is pulling him away. He whispers a name over and over again: Naomi. Dean isn’t sure who they are exactly, but he can gather enough evidence to suggest they are the one behind Castiel’s behavior. He tries to make a run for it, the angel tablet clutched tightly in his arms. 

He isn’t fast enough.

Castiel has a grip on his arm in seconds and with a  _ snap _ Dean can feel his arm break. He lets out a pained scream as the angel tablet falls, shattering to pieces around them.

“Cas-” he starts, the name rolling off his tongue easily. He doesn’t get much farther when a fist collides with his cheek, sending him reeling. He can feel the pain bloom around his nose and eye. He licks his lip subconsciously and can already taste the blood. He stares up at the angel's face, trying to decipher their thoughts. He’s knocked back again when he’s hit with another punch. The bones in his face are bound to be broken by this point. Being a celestial being was never something Cas tried to hide. He tries again to reach his angel.

“Cas.. this isn’t you,” his chest heaves for air, “This isn’t you.” 

A third punch, a fourth. 

“Cas-” Dean can barely see the angel in front of him, his vision swimming. He knows this isn’t his Castiel, the angel who rebelled against heaven and helped save the world. Dean knows he isn’t a match for a brainwashed angel. So he does the only thing he can think of. “Cas. I know you’re in there. I know you can hear me.” 

Castiel stares back at him, emotionless. 

“Cas, it’s  _ me _ ,” he wheezes for breath, “We’re family.” 

He thinks about the first time he met the angel, how far they’ve come from that barn all those years ago. Castiel had entered Dean’s life in a whirlwind and messed it up in the best way possible. The angel had brought faith to a man who refused to believe in anything he couldn’t physically see. He had found his way into Dean’s little family and now Dean couldn’t imagine any of it without him. He could feel that pull in his stomach every time he looked at the angel. Couldn’t help but smile every time he watched Cas learn something new about humanity. He knew what it was, and knew that eventually it would come to light. No matter how hard he tried to repress it, it was always going to be there.

“We need you.” He pauses, taking as deep of a breath as he can without pushing his ribs too far. He thinks about how easy it would be now, to just say those three words. He wonders if it would be enough to bring Castiel back to them, to him. He wonders if Castiel would smile, or laugh hearing Dean’s words.  _ I can do this _ , he thinks,  _ I love you _ .

“I need you.” is what comes out instead. He knows he’s a coward, has always been one. 

The angel blade in Castiel’s hand falls to the floor with a clang. Dean lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He doubles over in pain, the adrenaline from their earlier fight beginning to fade. He can’t move as he watches Cas grab the angel tablet, a blinding light beginning to emanate around them. Once the light vanishes, Dean can see cerulean eyes looking at him. Cas’ frown and furrowed brow are a sight to see. Castiel reaches a hand out slowly towards Dean’s face, and for a moment Dean fears Cas hadn’t come back to him. He flinches when fingers gently trace his jaw line, fingers coming up to clench at the trench coat sleeve.

When Castiel pulls his hand away, Dean can no longer feel the throbbing in his face, nor the ache in his ribs. He can feel Cas’ eyes on him, and when he looks up he can see the sorrow on the angel’s face. 

“Dean, I’m so sorry.” 

Dean can’t even get his legs to work again before Castiel disappears with a soft  _ whoosh _ . 

4.

“Something went wrong, something  _ always _ goes wrong!” 

“Yeah, why does that something always seem to be _ you? _ ” 

He regrets it the moment it passes his lips. He can see Castiel’s façade slip, his anger suddenly replaced with a deep grief. He looks away quickly. Dean knows he isn’t being fair, but life lately hasn’t seemed to give a damn about fair. First with Mom, then Jack, being Chuck’s puppets, and now Rowena. It’s all too much. Dean can’t seem to find his footing before another rug is being pulled out from underneath him. He’s just so  _ tired _ . Tired of moving from one dilemma to the next. Tired of being treated like the world’s punching bag. 

The silence between them used to be one of comfort. Now, it’s thick with anger and despair, making both of them tense. He can hear the hitch in Cas’ breath before the angel finally speaks.

“You used to trust me. Now you can barely look at me.” The angel laughs and it’s humorless. It punches the air out of Dean. He misses hearing Castiel laugh freely, deep and soft in his own unique way. He needs Cas to know he can look at him, has  _ always  _ been looking at him. He raises his head to meet the angel’s eyes. There’s more silence exchanged between the both of them before Castiel begins to move.

“Well, I don’t think there’s anything left to say.” Dean can’t find the words to argue, knows that if he opens his mouth something else he’ll regret might come out. He wants to tell Castiel he doesn’t blame him, that it’s not fair to place the blame solely on his shoulders. But when he thinks about everything all he can feel is the frustration and pain of losing someone else. Right now there is nothing but grief and anger seeping through his bones. He watches as Castiel turns away from him, making his way towards the staircase. Dean can feel the panic crawling its way up his chest, wrapping itself around his throat. 

“Where are you going?” He manages to choke out. Cas stops his movement, but refuses to turn around. Dean can feel his hand twitching, aching to reach out and pull the angel back towards him. 

“Jack’s dead,” Dean flinches at the blunt words, “Chuck’s gone. You and Sam have each other.” Dean wants to argue back that they have him as well. No matter the circumstances Castiel will always have them, too. Dean had deemed them Team Free Will years ago, and nothing would change that. Castiel finally turns back around, and Dean knows by simply looking at his face that Castiel has made his decision. 

“I think it’s time for me to move on.” 

He wants to scream. He wants to grab Castiel by the shoulders and shake him until he understands that Dean can’t do this without him. He wants to hold the angel close and whisper reassurances that they will always need him, that  _ Dean _ will always need him. The lump in his throat is painful now. Castiel takes the silence as a cue to make his way towards the exit. 

_ You can’t leave _ he thinks. He wants to beg Castiel to stay.  _ You have to stay, you can’t leave. I cannot have another person I love leave. Everyone always leaves- why does everyone always leave?  _

He never told Castiel to go, but he never asked him to stay. 

He watches, sobs building in his chest, as Cas unlocks the bunker door and steps through. The door closes with a loud clang, the sound echoing in Dean’s ears. It’s like a damn burst, the lump in his throat releasing all the emotions building inside. He hiccups a sob, clenching at the table behind him. His legs feel numb and everything  _ hurts. _

He stands there alone in the bunker, aching for the very thing he let walk away. 

Alone, again. 

He’s just so  _ tired _ .

5.

The leaves crunch under his boots, the sound mimicking the thumping in his chest. He had woken up, still inside the angel trap, alone, no sign of the angel anywhere. He had called out multiple times, each time waiting for a response. When none came, he began making his way towards the rift that would send them back to the bunker.  _ Cas most likely would be headed there  _ he thinks to himself. He can’t imagine the alternative, that Dean will arrive at the rift to find no sign of his angel.  _ If something happened to Cas _ \- he cuts himself off. Nothing happened to him. He most likely kicked some ass before deciding the best option was to make his way to the rift. 

He’s been wandering through the woods for what feels like hours by this point. The last time he checked, they had less than thirty minutes until they needed to be back. He couldn’t leave without Cas; he  _ wouldn’t _ . He could feel his chest tighten at the idea. 

“No, no, no, no…” he muttered. He refused to accept that this was their end. After everything they had been through together, this was how it was going to come to a close. For God sake, the last thing Dean had even said to Cas-

Before he knew it, he found himself praying.

“Cas?” He whispered softly, “Cas, wherever you are I hope you can hear me.” He closes his eyes and swallows the lump in his throat. His eyes are burning, unshed tears screaming to break free. He needs to say what he should have said the moment Castiel turned to walk out of the bunker. When he speaks again, his voice is wrecked, “I should’ve stopped you.”  _ I should’ve asked you to stay, All I ever wanted was for you to stay. _ “I let you walk out that door because it was easier than admitting that I was wrong.” He lets out a self-deprecating laugh. He can feel his chest tightening, his legs growing weaker. He looked around hastily, making sure no one was around. He can hear the soft sobs escaping his lips, each one growing more desperate. His knees give out from beneath him, the dirt breaking his fall. He finds the courage to continue. “I-I don’t know why I just get so  _ angry _ . All I know is that it’s always been there. And when things go south- I just can’t stop it.” He can feel the tears falling down his cheeks now. He makes no move to wipe them. Instead he carries on. “I forgive you. I forgive you, Cas. Of course I forgive you. I’m sorry it took me so long.”  _ To apologize, to tell you I want you to stay, to say I love you.  _

“Cas, I’m so- I’m so sorry.” He sob that escapes him rattles his body. He thinks of Castiel never hearing any of this. He thinks of unanswered prayers and scorched wings on the ground. He needs the angel to hear his prayer, to know Dean is sorry for everything. Castiel gave up everything for one selfish man, and he may never know how grateful Dean truly is to have him in his life. His breath catches as he whispers, “I hope you can hear me.” _ I need you to hear me. _

He wipes his eyes quickly, before standing back up. He knows he needs to keep moving, the rift closing soon. He would make his way there and deal with the repercussions of whether Cas would join him in going home. When he finally reaches the familiar area, with no sign of Castiel, his legs feel like they may give out at any moment. When he checks the timer once again he sees there’s less than three minutes before their time is up. Three minutes left and Castiel was nowhere to be found. Dean begins to think this may be it; no more intimate moments, lingering touches, or a bright presence in his life. 

His legs almost do give out when he hears the familiar, rough “Dean.” He quickly turns towards the sound, needing to believe it with his own eyes. Castiel is huddled against a tree, blood covering his face from a deep cut on his forehead. He aches to reach out and help the angel. When Castiel moves towards him, Dean gravitates in his direction, arms already moving to wrap around him. He can feel the tremble of Castiel’s body, and Dean’s hands clench into the material of the trench coat. _ It’s okay _ , he reminds himself _ , Cas is okay. Cas is here, he’s alive _ . He repeats it over and over like a mantra until his heart slows down.

“What happened?” He finds himself asking as he pulls away. Castiel avoids his gaze.

“They were after me, not you.” 

It feels like déjà vu to the first time they had been in Purgatory.  _ I did it to keep them away from you. _ He can’t help the fluttering in his stomach. When Castiel explains his plan and reveals the Leviathan blossom from his pocket, Dean beams with excitement. They have what they need to win. He looks at Cas feeling nothing but hope. 

“It got a little smushed.” Cas chuckles. Dean finds himself laughing as well. He’d crush the flower entirely if it meant holding the angel in his arms again. 

“You did it Cas.” He needs Castiel to know he gave Dean a win, in more ways than one. Cas smiles and looks away, almost bashfully. 

“They’re still after me,” Cas says, scanning their environment, “We should hurry.” 

Dean knows the only chance he has is now. No more hiding and pushing off this thing between them. He was tired of being a coward, of letting other people dictate his decisions, his life. He needs to tell Castiel how he feels, before the reality of Chuck and everything else comes in between.

“Cas, I need to say something.”  _ You gave up everything for me, and I didn’t deserve it. You told me once that out of everything in this world, we were real. You are my biggest win, the only win I’m ever going to need. I love you. _

“You don’t have to say it,” Castiel cuts him off, “I heard your prayer.” 

Dean hesitates, wanting to say it all anyway. However, Castiel seemed determined, almost pleading Dean to move on. Dean swallows thickly, the self-doubt of Castiel’s feelings rising quickly. He knows they don’t have time to waste, the phone in his pocket a reminder. Castiel begins to move towards the rift, his posture tense. 

Dean decides that when they get back to the bunker he’s going to tell Castiel. The next time he gets the chance he’s determined to confess to the angel. 

+1.

The sigil on the door glows a violent red as Billie bangs on the other side, demanding entrance. Castiel is glancing at the door like he expects it to burst open any moment. Dean is pacing around the room, trying to find anything that may help them escape. _ This is it _ , he thinks,  _ there is no more hoping for a miracle.  _

“I just led us into another trap,” He grips the chair in front of him, trying to ground himself. He had put so much faith into their plan that it had blindsided him, again. God he was so tired of the constant failing. This was how it was going to end, and Dean had gone and dragged the angel down with him. He laughs, but it’s entirely humorless. “All because I couldn’t hurt Chuck.” Even when he thinks he has some form of free will again, the floor is pulled out from under him. 

The sigil flashes once again. 

“Because I was angry, and I needed something to kill. Because that’s  _ all _ I know how to do!” The anger and self-hatred inside of him rears its ugly head. 

“ _ Dean. _ ” 

The way Castiel says is name, desperate yet determined, makes Dean snap his gaze up. The sigil flashes behind the angel, forming what looks like a halo, and Dean thinks _ he’s beautiful _ . 

“Cas, I’m so sorry,” Dean starts again. He had dragged Castiel down with him all those years ago.  _ When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost! _ Dean had doomed the angel from the start. He was going to be the reason Castiel never experienced life the way he should have. “Everybody’s gonna die. I can’t stop it.”

There’s another flash of light followed by a bang. 

Dean decides this is it, he’s going to die here. He’s going to leave Sam, Jack, and the rest of the world behind and can’t do a damn thing to stop it. He’s going to have to watch Cas’ wings burn a mark into the floor for a second time. He finds himself moving closer to the angel in haste. 

“Cas,” He waits until the angel is looking at him. He only has one shot at this and he needs Castiel to know he means this from his very soul. “If this is it, there’s something I need to tell you.” 

There’s confusion evident on the angel’s face, his head tilting in a way that’s just so Castiel. Dean feels the wave of affection swell in his chest. He smiles despite himself. Cas’ face changes, in a way Dean doesn’t recognize. It’s almost as if he’s remembering something. 

“Cas, I-” 

“Dean,” He’s cut off quickly with one syllable. “I made a deal.” Dean can feel the drop in his stomach at the words. 

“You what?” 

“Jack was dying. I made a deal to save him.” There’s a million questions racing through Dean’s mind at the moment. He doesn’t get a moment to process any of them before Cas continues. “The price was my life. When I experienced a true moment of happiness, the Empty would come and take me.”

Dean finally finds his voice, “Why are you just telling me this now?” They could have dealt with this together, gotten Cas out of the deal, protected him. 

“I never expected to find my moment. The life we live, it’s not exactly full of happy moments. But then I heard your prayer.” 

_ He knew _ . He knew what Dean was going to say when they reunited in Purgatory. He had stopped Dean.

“I wasn’t ready,” Castiel admits quietly. “I felt the longing after you finished your prayer. And when you found me by the rift, you tried to tell me.”

“You stopped me.” Dean’s voice breaks.

“I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.” He shrugs like it’s simple, like he didn’t imply that he’s ready to say goodbye  _ now _ . “Dean, what I truly wanted, I never thought I could have.” He walks closer to Dean, only a short length apart now. He swallows visibly, tears shining in his eyes as he reaches up to gently cradle Dean’s cheek. “I know how you see yourself Dean. The same way as our enemies. But you need to know the way I see you. The way Sam and Jack see you. Everything you have ever done, it’s always been for love. You raised your brother, you’re a father to Jack, and the kindest person I know. You fought for the entire world, multiple times. All because of love. You are the brightest and most beautiful soul I have ever known, Dean. You are the most caring, selfless, loving human being.  _ That _ is who you are.” 

There’s a pounding in Dean’s ears. He can’t tell if it’s Billie or his own heartbeat. He can feel the burning of unshed tears. 

“You know, ever since we met when I pulled you out of hell, I knew. I knew you were going to change me.” Cas’ laugh is shaky, tears rolling down his cheeks. “You cared  _ so _ much. Because you cared, I cared. I learned to care for others, for Sam and Jack. But more importantly I learned to care about the world. I used to think it was a doomed, sad little thing. But you showed me the grief and sadness, it’s all just miniscule to the rest. You changed me, Dean. And I will always be grateful for that.” 

Dean can’t seem to move. Every bone in his body aches, the kind of ache that may never fade. He closes his eyes tightly, letting the tears finally escape. 

“Don’t do this Cas, _ please _ .” He begs. Castiel pulls Dean closer, resting his forehead against his. He can feel the angel smiling, can see the tears falling between them. He doesn’t know whose they are.

“Tell me Dean.” Castiel pleads, voice barely above a whisper. Dean shakes his head. He can’t. He wants to terribly, but not like this. He can’t watch as his love once again taints the life of another’s.  _ You can’t leave me here, please _ . There’s a sudden shift and Dean can feel chapped lips brush against his own. It’s a light touch, and the sob that breaks through from Dean causes it to end abruptly. “Please.” 

“ _ I love you _ .” He cries. His body is trembling, fingers digging into the trench coat sleeves. He cries for the fallen angel, the broken man, and for what could have been. Castiel is holding him close, whispers of _ it’s okay _ and _ I love you, too _ repeating from his lips. 

The door bursts open behind Castiel, Billie entering in fury. Dean can hear something behind him, but he doesn't dare look. Instead he keeps his eyes closed, refusing to let the angel go. Castiel is pulling away, gently removing Dean’s grip on him. 

“Goodbye, Dean.” He whispers into the hunter’s ear. He’s shoved to the opposite side of the room, away from both Billie and Cas. He tumbles to the floor, back smashing against the wall. He finally opens his eyes to see the Empty reaching out to Billie. She’s sucked away in an instant, and Dean knows who the next target is. He turns his head just in time to watch the Empty slowly encircle the angel. Castiel stares at Dean with a broken smile on his face.  _ It’s okay _ he mouths. 

“Cas!” He screams as the last of the black goo covers the angel. He doesn’t get another word out before the Empty pulls as hard as it can, getting what it came for and more. Then the room is silent, the only sound heard being Dean’s broken breaths. He finds himself alone, no trace of Castiel or the Empty to be found. He sobs, hands clutching his hair, and heart broken.

Dean’s world shatters.

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on Twitter @castxelstark or Tumblr @starkpilot :)
> 
> Also if this gets enough requests, I may write a part two...
> 
> If you leave kudos/comments ily


End file.
